Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Year's Resolutions for Everyone Else

Happy 2011! It's only taken me 3 days to finish catching up on 2010, but I think I'm finally ready to face the next year.

Right now many people reflect on their life and resolve to make some changes/improvements, i.e. they make New Year's Resolutions. In fact, I'm sure there are a gabizillion blog posts from everyone and their hamster sharing those resolutions. That's all well and good, and if you're one of those gabizillion blog posts, then I send you my best wishes on finding success in those resolutions. But I'm not going to do that today.

I've decided that I'm going to make New Year's Resolutions for everyone else. Aside: This is not because I think I'm perfect and don't need any improvements. *laughing hysterically at the thought*

So, without further ado...

New Year's Resolutions for Everyone Else

1. For society in general: Resurrect the idea of an "accident."

Sometimes things just happen. Sometimes you slip on a patch of ice and fall, not because someone was criminally negligent and didn't scrape every iota of ice off their sidewalk, but because... get ready... ice is slick. *gasp* It's called life, people! Can we please, for all that's good in this green earth, get a grip and realize sometimes stuff just happens and quit blaming everyone for everything?

2. For Kia: Ditch the creepy hamster commercials.

*shudder* They don't even make sense. For example, last I checked, you can't drive a toaster. (See below) Unless maybe there's a new iToaster in the works? Apple could probably make one that would drive.

These commercials don't want me want to buy your car, they make me have hamster nightmares, which I'm guessing isn't the connection you're looking for with consumers.

3. For those who think because a person is a celebrity their opinion counts more than anyone else: Get a clue.

Just because a person can act (or can't act but pretends to *cough* Robert Pattinson*cough*) doesn't mean their opinions (on politics, economics, etc.) count more than anyone else's. Now if the celebrity has something more than an expensive haircut to back up the opinion, like common sense, then give it the weight it deserves.

4. For Apple: In 2011 make your own stimulus package and give out iPads to struggling writers.

Me! Me! Me!

5. For people who take up the treadmills at the gym to walk and shoot the breeze with each other: Get off the treadmill and use the track 50 feet away.

You can walk and talk on the track. I can't run hills on the track and outside is ice-covered and treacherous. (Guess what happened at the gym this morning?)

6. For the teenager contemplating jumping his bike off the 8 foot rock wall onto the terrace in my backyard and down the 5 foot ramp surrounded by more rock wall: Don't do it. I'm telling you.

7. For movie makers: Just phase out the 3D.

8. For beverage drinkers: Get off the Diet Coke.

Run away! Diet Coke is evil. It's the cocaine of soft drinks.

9. For politicians: Less talking and more listening across the board.

10. For everyone: Chill out, quit taking offense at everything, and smile more.

How about you? What resolutions would you like to make for other people?


Heather B. Moore said...

I love #4. We have an iPad, but really, we need one for every family member to truly be happy (lol)

Angie said...

I like those resolutions. I'd love an iPad! Hope you have a great year!

Krista said...

Why would I want a car that hamsters like? Hamsters run in wheels and poop in their food. Doo dah dipp-ity.

Awesome post.

Crystal Liechty said...

Amen, sistah friend!!! To all of the above!!! You are truly my mind twin (in fact, I'm starting to get lazy and just waiting to see what you think so I know what I think).

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

Oh my word. this is so so true and so hilarious. P.S. that's not really your neighbor, is it?

L.T. Elliot said...

Those hamster commercials are creeptastic. And stupid. And I don't like calling things stupid but it deserves it.

Happy New Years!